【rachel middleman radical eroticism】

Picture a savoury condiment that's so creamy and rachel middleman radical eroticismdelectably tangy that you want to dip all your food in it for the rest of your days. Now picture some smart alec coming along and mixing the sweetest food known to humankind into this sauce for a bit of a laugh. Yep, you're picturing the worst savoury-sweet combination in the history of food: Heinz Creme Egg Mayo.

First of all: Why?

Why would you mess with a sauce that's so damn delicious it's deserving of its own UNESCO protection? Mayonnaise, of all things, you do not trifle with.

SEE ALSO: Cadbury Creme Eggs are good, don't @ me

But they went and did it anyway. They went and chucked a load of minced up chocolate and the sickly-sweet fondant centre of a creme egg into mayonnaise. And by they, I mean Heinz and Cadbury, who've paired up to create this monstrosity. If you're curious, you can try it yourself ata pop-up installation at Truman Brewery, London from April 11 until 13.

Full disclosure: I detest all sweet foods. I realise this may elicit some gasps of shock and you might even stop reading after this sentence. And reader, I don't blame you. Really, I do not.

I just love savoury foods with all my heart. I love crisps; I love cheese; I love mayo with fries.

But when it comes to chocolate, desserts, or anything remotely sweet, it just doesn't do it for me.

Ever keen for a challenge, though, I decided to put my proclivity for savoury foods to one side and step outside my comfort zone. I tried the Creme Egg Mayo and here is a blow-by-blow account of the rollercoaster ride of emotions and sensations that I experienced.

According to the box, there's all the ingredients you'd find in your average mayo: oil, eggs, vinegar, mustard seeds, and a few other things. Difference is, this mayo also contains two more ingredients: Cadbury Creme Egg and crème patissière.

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12:45pm:A blue cool bag arrives at reception. "It's for Rachel," a smiling face says. "Put it in the fridge straight away. Eat it with waffles."

1pm: Off I pop to Sainsbury's over the road. I'm in search of waffles. Even those toaster ones that you buy in the bread aisle will do. But, all I can find is flimsy looking pain au chocolats. Back to the drawing board.

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1:10pm:I resolve that the only food worth dipping in mayonnaise is french fries. Hey, if people can dip their McDonalds fries in milkshake, then this might be ok. I try the Greek Souvlaki place near my office. Alarmingly, it's closed "for some time" and "until further notice."

1:20pm:Back at my office, I search for "french fries near me" on Google Maps. I'm informed there's a Burger King down the road. So, I slip my coat on again and brave the howling wind and spitting rain in search of chips.

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1:40pm: We've got chips, lads.

2pm:Back at the office, I pour out these greasy little nuggets of potato onto a plate. I pull out the jar of Creme Egg Mayo and my colleagues gather 'round to witness the spectacle that's about to unfold.

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2:03pm:I open the jar and there are audible gaps of horror at the colour of the substance inside. In fact, the dull brown hue of this thick gloop is so disturbing to me, I've had to whack on a "caution" on the below photo. Click at your peril.

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2:05pm: I muster up the courage to dip two chips into the mayo. I chew and pause for a moment while I try and figure out what the hell I've just put in my mouth. I can no longer taste chips. All I can taste is the too-sweet-for-most-humans concoction that is currently assaulting my taste buds. "Nope," I say to my colleagues. "Tastes like a cream cake." That might have been too kind, though.

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2:07pm: My colleagues decide to get stuck in.

"I mean, I don't wanna vomit or anything but it's not good," says Elisha.

2:10pm:More people enter the kitchen. "I feel like I'm gonna be sick," say Ciaran, before he's even taken a bite. Ciaran, I might add, actually changes his mind upon tasting. "That's divine. Way better than I anticipated. Pleasant, actually," he says.

Ciaran, you are wrong.

2:12pm: Another colleague, Carly, enters the kitchen and dips a chip into the mayo. Her verdict? "I love that," she says.Sorry, what? "No, I love that. It'd be better on toast though," she adds.

Suddenly everyone around me is nodding. "Yeah," they say. "Yeah, you're right. Spread it on toast."

The lesson here, friends, is that mayo — the sweet variety — belongs on toast, not chips. Waffles, too, apparently. But keep this stuff well clear of your fries.

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As for me, I reckon I'll stick to the good stuff, thanks.

If you want to try the Creme Egg Mayo, you can go along to Ely’s Yard, Truman Brewery
, London from Thursday April 11 until Saturday April 13.

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