【To Be Twenty (Avere vent’anni)】

Hey,To Be Twenty (Avere vent’anni) Internet. I'm polyamorous.

Yes, polyamory is a real sexuality. Contrary to popular belief, it doesn't just refer to college freshmen who want to have sex with everything in sight (although, more power to those people). I am attracted to, date, and love multiple people at the same time.

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Currently, I have two serious, committed, and supportive boyfriends. No cheating is involved: All of us are fully aware of, and fully consent to, the arrangement. I am incredibly proud of them, and would love to be able to display that to the world by setting my Facebook relationship status as "In a relationship" with both of them.

Unfortunately, I can't. Facebook does not allow users to list more than one partner on their profile.

Yes, you can state that you’re in an Open Relationship, but I am not. I am as seriously and exclusively committed to two boyfriends as I would be to one. You can state that “It’s Complicated,” but in this case, and in many, many polyamorous relationships, it is not complicated. I love him, and I love him, both of them, more than anyone else.

Polyamorous individuals deal with this handicap in various ways, none of which make them particularly happy. Reddit user magpiego recently told me she lists herself on Facebook as being in an "open relationship (with no one specified)." But, she added, "It's not really accurate. I'm not in an open relationship as such, but I don't like how closed simply 'In a Relationship' would make my relationship sound."

Others just hide it. "I don't have a visible relationship status," said Reddit user skynet8888. "Anyone I'm close to knows who I'm partnered with."

But for many in the community who can't find an alternative that suits them, the relationship status is a constant struggle with real-life implications. "I could just change my status to 'In a Relationship' [with one partner]...but that means taking something away from my [other] partner, and I wish that wasn't the case, because it will hurt him, even though he will understand," said Reddit user Missscarlettheharlot.

Polyamory is in an odd spot in American society. Polygamy, the practice of marrying more than one person, is a crime in all 50 states.

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Furthermore, though recent research estimates that there could be up to 2.4 million polyamorous relationships in the United States, there’s almost no mainstream media representation of healthy, serious, and polyamorous relationships.

Most people, when I explain my sexuality and relationships, react in disbelief. The last person I told about my boyfriends, an acquaintance at a party, laughed because she thought I was joking. A colleague I mentioned it casually to over the summer asked how long I thought the “phase” would last.

As a result, a large portion of the massive online polyamorous community, and almost every polyamorous person I know, keeps their sexuality a secret outside of their close friends.

I just last week mentioned my sexuality to my parents. I don't know anyone else who has broached the subject to their family.

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Sound familiar? Not too many years ago, many U.S. states banned same-sex couples from marrying. And in so many communities throughout this country, individuals who love outside of the traditional paradigm by loving those of the same gender, or those outside of the gender binary, are ostracized in the same way.

But with regard to these issues, controversial among users as they may be, Facebook has always been on the side of inclusivity. The website hailed LGBTQ Pride Month with rainbow filters, banners, and reactions. It added “Domestic Partnership” and “Civil Union” to the list of relationships that users list in 2011, and added 56 new gender options in 2014.

Like it or not, the Facebook relationship status is a cultural centerpiece. "It's such a small, stupid thing, and it's easy to pretend that's all it is, but in reality, social recognition of relationships is a real and meaningful thing," said Missscarlettheharlot. "This does matter."

Even users who are not “Facebook official” have heard the term, and know the gravity it carries. To many users, the start of a Facebook relationship is the first step forward, with your partner, into a relationship that you are so proud of and committed to that you want everyone, from your parents to your middle school camp counselor, to know. It lets partners say to each other, and to the world, “This is real.”

I understand if the thought of one person with two boyfriends makes you uncomfortable. I understand if the thought of three, or four, or five people dating cuts against everything you understand love to be. Altering a generation’s hard-wired preconceptions of what a relationship ought to be is a slow process.

But I’d ask you, omnipotent Facebook executives in the sky, to remember back to the times when people said the same about same-sex marriage, or about interracial marriage. Had your site been around thirty years ago, your profiles may not have allowed these relationships either. But certain people’s discomfort, even that of those who hold societal power, has never been a good reason to delegitimize relationships between consenting adults.

Facebook has the chance to make a difference. Not only would it let polyamorous individuals celebrate their relationships, but it would let us show the world that we are real, and that we are proud to love who we love.

Interracial marriage, once illegal, was not normalized overnight. But someone has to take the first step. Facebook should.

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